favorite birthday.

it was my 17th birthday. it was in the middle of the week, my mom worked late, my older sister already moved out, my little sister wasn't home, my dad forgot about it, the rest of my family was to far away, my friends couldn't come over. i was home alone. you came over. we spent the whole night in my basement watching movies that freaked me out. you knew they freaked me out. you did this so i would sit close to you and hide myself in your arms. we talked, we laughed, me flirted, you held me, i layed on your lap. you held my hand. when it was time for you to leave, you ignored it. your mom called you about five times, each time you said you were on your way home, but after you hung up you never budged or even showed a sign of leaving any time soon. and when you finally did leave, you gave me the biggest hug that lasted for almost ten minutes, you said you didn't want to let go, i didn't want to let go. ...that was by far my best birthday ever. you made me the happiest i have ever been, even when i felt like i was falling apart.

something reminded me of this night, and it keeps playing in my head, it is making me very happy, and very sad. i miss him.

page 213.

the last song.

"When he's asked why she seemed unable to settle down, her answer had been straightforward: "There are guys who grow up thinking they'll settle down some distant time in the future, and there are guys who are ready for marriage as soon as they meet the right person. The former bore, mainly because they're pathetic; and the latter, quite frankly, are hard to find. But it's the serious ones I'm interested in, and it takes time to find a guy like that whom I'm equally interested in. I mean, if the relationships can't survive the long term, why on earth would it be worth my time and energy for the short term?"

writing.

i have been starting to have a bunch of off days lately, and then days where my nomad kicks in and tells me to go home and pack and take myself to the airport. i am such a runner. it doesn't matter what i have going for me, it could either be horrible or the best thing ever, once i get the urge to run its like i have to follow threw. except this time i am actually trying really hard to stick it out and push threw. hoping the feeling of running will go away. i know that this is my own personal blog and i can say whatever i want, but i feel like i can't. i don't know, i am going to start actually writing things down in a notebook, basically everything that is on my mind that never goes away, hopefully that way i can actually start to feel like i am breathing again. as much as i hated going to a therapist when i was a teenager, i kind of really wish i would of stuck it out, maybe then i wouldn't be so fucking unstable in everything, maybe i would be such a horrible person, or maybe just maybe i would be able to fully committee or at least attempt to trust some body new in my life. i really do feel bad for the new people in my life, because they can never figure me out, and then once they try, i only let them get a taste of who i really am, and all they learn is that i am a horrible bitch that doesn't trust anyone and that has been screwed over way to many times to keep counting. god i need the beach, the beach is my only safe haven, i need my safe haven.

dancing.

tonight is going to be fun fun fun. going to a club with a bunch of my oh so wonderful friends. going to go have some good drinks and get my dance on!! this night is well needed :)
i am a very happy person right now.

dates.

why are first dates so nerve racking? it is not like he is a complete stranger, i talk to him all the time. but wow my nerves need to calm down just a bit.

tired.

i am overly tired right now, to the point that if it wasn't 7pm and i had to go somewhere in a half hour i would go to bed at this very moment. i have to keep finding things to do or else i would just fall asleep sitting here. i shouldn't be this tired, for 1. i slept in today, okay well until like 740am. but i usually wake up at 6. so that is sleeping in. 2. i only worked one store today and was done working at 11. so my day was extremely easy, but why am i so tired. i don't like being this tired.

hair,

naturally my hair is very wavy/curlyish. okay go and google travis clark (lead singer of we the kings) and my hair is that put a little more wavy. anyway i love it, it is so easy to deal with. in the result of my hair being like, i never and mean never brush my hair. and my older sister (who went to cosmetology school) yells at me all the time about that. well since my hair is getting super long (its just now passing the middle of my back) i straightened it tonight, which means i brushed it. ha my sister was so proud. the last time i brushed my hair was back in december... don't judge me.


i am also very sad because my favorite basketball team (denver nuggets) head coach, who is amazing George Karl got diagnosed with throat cancer. and he held a press conference tonight about it. it is so sad, and i pray he gets threw it, the team would not be the same without him.

and yeah done now. i am super bored and watch ESPN. oh my life.

02. 14.

saying happy valentines day to me is equivalent to wishing a Jewish person merry christmas.
i do not celebrate valentines day, no i am not cynical, i am not pissed/sad/angry because i am single on it and that is why. i will not post something about how i hate this day or anything like that.
i have never celebrated valentines day (even when i did have a boyfriend). My view on this so called holiday is that, if you love someone or are with someone you care about, you show them that every single day you are with that person, not just because someone made it a holiday.
but if you do like valentines day, then hey, Happy Valentines day to you and i hope you have a good one. but please remember to show the one you love/care about how much you really do love and care about them every day.

i may be wrong

and please correct me if i am. but boy's birthday is next week. and i get birthdays, i love birthdays, i love celebrating birthdays. and i get the whole lets do something, present thing. but he automatically excepts me to get/ do something for him on his birthday. for starters its in the middle of week, what are we going to do during the day when we both will be at work, because its not like he can just disappear at night. and then secondly he aren't even officially together. i hate buying presents or whatnot for boys, especially if i am dating them. but its not like our relationship is anything serious, so why would i go out of my way. and thirdly, he did nothing for my birthday. but he is making such a big deal about it and everything. i am so confused, i thought it was the girl that is suppose to be all "omg my birthday!!! what are you getting me and what are we doing?" i feel like i should get him a tiara. oh god, i think i am getting bored already. shit, i have a real problem. cause all i can think of is NEXT.

oh today, today today. was a very good day. talked to jason for the majority of the day, so that made work go by faster. had lunch with the boy. YES I FOUND SOMEONE TO GO TO SEE JOHN MAYER WITH!!!!!!!!!!!! i fucking love my cousin, hopefully its not sold out. (ha. sorry just got off the phone and am beyond excited) okay. so yeah. it is suppose to blizzard tonight and all of tomorrow, so WOOT no work. and sleeping in day. score. okay yeah i am to excited to function an actual post, i need to go look up mr. mayer tickets.

beach.

oh how i miss the beach. i am going to start planning my vacation soon, hopefully once i start planning it out it will make the rest of winter go by faster. i truly do hate the winter. i would rather be sweating my ass off in 90 degree weather then have to go outside in the snow. florida here i come.

expectations

in 500 days of summer there is a scene were it is expectations vs. reality, and how he expected way to much and was just let down, disappointed. that was my day today. not only did work suck, because since it is going to snow crazy this weekend, everyone and i mean everyone was out shopping. but i expected way to much of a situation and then when it came to reality it was the biggest disappointment i had in awhile. i guess i should of just stayed out of my head but i never thought that the reality of the situation was going to be completely wrong. reality sucks, i would rather live in the world in my head.

this snow storm that is coming is seriously messing with everything. this weekend was going to be fun, now it is going to be spent at home bore out of my mind. i was suppose to go see dear john tonight, and then hang out with tom (boy at 309 store i work at). but i had to cancel both, complete bummer. and since i know it is going to snow, its just a wait game for it, preparing for this big dumb storm to come and get done with. i wish it would just start now, this day needs to be over.

oh.

today was an awesome day. besides feeling like death, my mood was the best. it felt like summer time(not meaning the weather), in the summer i am just so more peaceful and at ease and spunky. and today was one of those days for me, i basically drove all over the place for work, so i had windows partly down, blaring country (yes country) and just so at ease with everything. this is another reason why i can not wait for summer, so i can be like this all the time.

winter is just no fun. speaking of no fun, we are in a blizzard zone or some shit. it is suppose to start snowing tomorrow around 4pm and not stop until saturday night. fuck my life, that means i will trapped inside my house for the weekend, because they never think it is necessary to come and plow my streets.

on a random note, i have sneezed like 5 times while typing this, and sneezed like a million today. i hate fucking sneezing, esp when driving.

sickness.

being sick sucks. i was doing so good, with not getting sick at all the winter and the BAM. ugh. today was hell trying to get out of bed. i ran out of dayquil so that sucked. i am living off of this get well tea. i took a nap today with hopes that it would make me feel a little better, it made me feel worse. my headache wont go away, ugh. i know i am complaining, but i am allowed to i feel like ass.

i can not wait to get in a nice long hot shower, then come out take nightquil and fall asleep listening to mr. mayer on the record player.. ahh highlight of my day.

much better.

besides being sick, and basically feeling like i was going to die all day and wanting nothing more then to take the longest nap known to man. today was a very good day. the first store i worked was hella boring, but i kind of rushed threw it to get to tims store. i love that store. they all made fun of me because i was sick and how i cough? yeah, apparently i cough odd, oh well. ha. but yeah i got done a half hour before tim, so i waited for him and then we went to panera bread for lunch. and we talked about all the bull shit, and he proved to me that he was done lying and all that, even showed me some proof, so me and him are back on track with our "relationship". and i am very very happy with that. even though i felt like i was dying all day, he still managed to make me smile the whole time we were together. so i think that if a boy can do that, then he needs to stick around for awhile.

tonight my sister and brother in law, and the kiddies came over for our little sisters birthday that was yesterday. i love spending time with them. the kids are ridiculous though, jeez. but it is so cute Alexis she is 1, and she recently found out how to jump, so she will make you stand there and watch her jump for the longest time. its so funny. (yeah this might be the part where i go awe i can't wait until i have kids, and all that stuff, but uhm no. i don't want kids, nor can i have any, so that i why i treat my sisters kids like they are my own.)

tumblr.

I am doing this on my tumblr. i just needed somewhere to put the list.

Day 01 — Your favorite song

Day 02 — Your favorite movie

Day 03 — Your favorite television program

Day 04 — Your favorite book

Day 05 — Your favorite quote

Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy

Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad

Day 09 — A photo you took

Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago

Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently

Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 13 — A fictional book

Day 14 — A non-fictional book

Day 15 — A fanfic

Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)

Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 19 — A talent of yours

Day 20 — A hobby of yours

Day 21 — A recipe

Day 22 — A website

Day 23 — A YouTube video

Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 25 — Your day, in great detail

Day 26 — Your week, in great detail

Day 27 — This month, in great detail

Day 28 — This year, in great detail

Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days

Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy

oh boys.

ahh i am getting sick. i hate being sick, so i am drugging myself with a lot of nightquil tonight. hmm so lets see, work today was good. i worked the WC stores and they are always fun. except i really wish people would just come up and talk to me, instead of just staring. but yeah. tomorrow i work Tims store (ex). we talked all day today, so everything is good between us, idk i still really like him, so maybe if he just knocks off this whole lying shit then we can just go back to being in an open relationship. because it was fun, and i like him, and i like what we had, and i just don't want it to be over yet. idk, who knows, i am going to ask him to go to lunch when i am done work, so we can talk. lets hope he doesn't be a complete boy and ruin things.

OH talk about ruining things, last night my ex john (he lives in fla) told me that he stilled loved me and that he missed me, and blah blah blah. ugh why do boys do this. like seriously, i got over him. i am completely over him, moved on. and then he pulls this shit. fucking dumb.

oh it is also suppose to snow tomorrow night and wed morning, like fucking really, when is spring coming?